COLUMN: How the Blue Barracudas can save Hollywood
Published: Thursday, September 19, 2013
Updated: Monday, September 30, 2013 23:09
You ruined everything, Marvel.
Now, before you get all “‘The Avengers’ was better than just OK” on me, hear me out. Sure, the comic-book-turned-feature-film behemoth manufactured a few well-intentioned, solid films at the beginning of its reign as emperor of superpower filmdom, but over time it has come to a highly unsettling truth: The superhero movie is headed toward a very tragic demise.
As a film consumer, you deserve so much more than a world where the only honest difference between “Thor” and “Ironman” was the fact that one had an overtly witty protagonist and the other had a villain that resembles Katy Perry sans makeup. Honestly, what happened?
It’s simple, really. It’s become predictable, so much so that they all follow the same pattern whether the stories follow the same lines as the actually comic stories or not. Too much action, but no wisdom — all Cory and Topanga with no Mr. Feeny. From most angles, it seems as if there’s no real solution.
Scream it with me, ‘90s kids. What was our greatest invention? Kids game shows.
Nothing says “wholesome and realistic entertainment” like a batch of 11-year olds in heated competition for the last pair of Sketchers. This realm of being was a beautiful time — a time so touching and foolproof, it may just save my disdain for predictable superhero cinema.
You may not believe me at first. After all, you’ve seen many visual media. But trust me when I say you’ve seen and heard nothing like my pitch for “Legends of the Hidden Temple: The Movie.”
Did someone say “plot synopsis?” Here you have it:
In a far off and well-respected land, many jealously-guarded treasures, most of which are thinly plated in gold, laden with financial and historical value — start the dramatic music — have been stolen.
This horrifying act enrages Kirk Fogg, emblem bard and token wiseman, and Olmec, your garden-variety stoic talking wall. In a last-ditch rescue effort, Kirk and Olmec call upon 12 of the finest historians, anthologists and A-list remainders to form six teams of two in hopes of scouring the earth to find the mysterious temple believed to hold the sacred emblems.
The duo to first find the temple and return the items will be emblazoned with glory and riches forever. And the others? Well, possibly a consolation set of K’Nex.
Together, we follow these young and courageous beings as they learn the storied legends of the emblems and go through daring steps to know of their being in a story of legend, history and piles upon piles of bright yellow mouth guards. In theaters July 2015.