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Schwartzman's bold predictions for 2014

staff writer

Published: Thursday, January 9, 2014

Updated: Thursday, January 9, 2014 00:01

Let’s be real with ourselves: 2013, pretty blah.


Now, before all the 2013-istas come at me with hate, backlash and various Daft Punk

music videos, know you only act in such defiance because you know I’m correct. To live in this fast-moving, miracle-prone technological age and the biggest breakthrough of the year was the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco — which, by the way, was clearly a “meh” at best? We simply underperformed.


I suppose the beauty of our calendar system is the concept of starting over and seeking redemption in hope we can somehow outlive the perils, disasters and Kanye-Kardashian children that drove 2013 into the damp, dark soil. We build these hopes and expect the downward spirals in a lil’ ditty I like to call “Steve’s Bold Predictions for 2014,” starting with…


1. News


This year’s main development unfolds when White House representatives deliver a shocking announcement that presidential elections will be pushed up to 2014, thus deeming those intending to run in 2016 unfunded and ill-prepared and leveling the largest playing field in the history of the electoral college. Following several intensely watched debates and 34 states refusing to submit an electoral vote, all eyes are on final candidates Michael J. Fox and that Geico lizard thing. When technological glitches abound, Congress makes the decision to overthrow all votes and choose the ruler of the free world in an all-parties foot race. I won’t fully ruin the result for you, but let’s just say you’ll want to get your “I Voted for Usain Bolt” T-shirts ordered on Amazon Prime sooner than later.


In public policy news, legislation will soon be passed to ban all variations of mixing chicken and steak in Cafe Rio smothered burritos. Quoting a prominent senator, “Show me a scenario where it is fair that someone get two meats when all other potential combos are gross and I’ll strike this bill right now. What’s next, guacamole and sour cream for free? This nation was built on order, for heaven’s sake.” Speaking of the enjoyment of individuals making a scene for pointless reasons, let’s move on to …


2. Entertainment


Before I start here, no twerking jokes. Seriously, stop asking.

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