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Steve's tips to keep your gal from being distracted by cuteness

staff writer

Published: Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Updated: Wednesday, February 12, 2014 22:02

Author’s note: Steve very much drops a Beyonce reference in this column, post-Destiny’s Child even. As this is an event you, as the reader, may never experience again in this free world, it would be encouraged to procure a print copy of this column, submit it to hearty lamination and stow it away in a time capsule. Some things are too valuable to simply trifle with.


My fiancee loves puppies.


Hold on for a second. I’m not sure you fully grasped this, so let’s try it again.


Jenny, my fiancee, loves puppies; like, loves them, like, Lookin’ so crazy your love's got me lookin’, got me lookin’ so crazy your love” loves puppies. She loves puppies more than puppies love puppies.


Allow me to break it down for you. Should the event occur that she and I are together in any social, relaxed, cardiovascular setting or other means wherein we can commiserate in togetherness and any known semblance of a puppy be evident in physical, digital or even superhuman forms, she’ll immediately detract attention from myself, the individual she has committed to marry, and do one of two things.


1. Giggle.

2. Giggle faster.


She’s even told me — to my face, mind you — that in the event she needed to choose between saving me from falling to my death or being granted her own fleet of puppies, she, in her words, not mine, “wouldn’t know what to do. I’d lean toward saving you … maybe. I guess it depends on the puppies.” It’s almost a disorder at the this point.


Now, my honest point in all of this pablum is not my fiancee’s enamored state with puppies, but more so when I took this concern to my married or otherwise taken friends and they claimed the same scenario; perhaps not with puppies, per se, but with some sort of person, place, thing or breakfast cereal spokes-mascot — looking at you, Dig ‘Em — that manages to steal an individual’s emotions whenever in sight.

This, in turn, illustrates my need to share the following wisdom decree:

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