It's a shame but things aren't always as they seem. There ain't no Easter Bunny, the Ultimate Cheeseburger is really a lot more like a regular cheese burger than they'd like you to believe and I have not always been this cool.
I know I'm really cool now with my collection of well-painted Dungeons and Dragons miniatures, my extensive knowledge of the X-Men and my high profile college paper humor column. It hasn't always been this way though.
I have always been a geek. I was born with comics in my eyes and hands born to reformat hard drives and grasp a joystick. My first word in English was "Linux". I was already making full sentences in Klingon and L33T.
The doctors said it was just a phase and that I'd grow out of it, like I did the one where I'd only eat dirt. My parents breathed a sigh of relief, but it was too soon.
As I entered grade school things reached an alarming new level. I could quote the periodic table of elements by fifth grade. I knew more about He-Man than I did about my own family members.
With these new found friend my geekyness. Only got worse as I was able to play with other kids with the same affliction. They were easy to find. They were the ones eating dirt
I'm not the first person to relate the playground to a jungle with its own food chain. This is a very true observation, I know because I was at the bottom of it. My elite team of nerds and I became easy targets for all the larger vertebrates.
Looking back, I blame myself for this. We didn't exactly go out of our way to avoid it. There's just something about four kids walking around with "Thunder Cats" lunch boxes, mix-matched socks and pretending to be Jedis that makes a normal person want to pull down their tiger-striped pants and then punch them in the stomach until they roll into a fetal position and cry (keep in mind to a 7- year-old geek, that's extremely manly).
All this changed when I met her ,though. Actually I'd already met her; she'd been part of my life for years. There was just something different about her that crisp fall evening after school. She stole my heart that afternoon, and to this very day, I think I still love her.
I'm talking about that vixen Chun Li from "Street Fighter."
In an effort to be cool enough for the pixilated goddess I set out to complete redo my image. To make me more mysterious I started wearing these really cool sunglasses that I got from a school carnival the year before. I stole some of my sister's necklaces to get the urban bad guy image going. I looked like a cross between Tom Cruise from "Top Gun" and Mr. T. Throw on a snap bracelet on each wrist, some hammer pants and jack my socks up to my knees and I was ready for love.
I knew that I had to more than look the part though- I had to act the part. I started walking on the same side of the street as the big dogs, drawing really mean pictures of the bullies on my notebook and as an ultimate act of bravery, climbed up the big kid's monkey bars to get my shoes back, without telling the teacher.
But that was then and now I'm a changed man. I've learned to increase the natural coolness within. I've also learned that there are women out there who will love you for who you really are, no matter how geeky that may be. So if you're out there Li, sorry baby, this ship has sailed.
Unless, of course you're interested, in which case I can bring in back anytime.
Er ... uh ... I mean, geek on.
Steve Shinney is a junior majoring in computer science and constantly struggles with the line between fantasy and reality. Comments can be sent to steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.
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