Adequate dating on a budget

We’re not all broke, and we’re not all single, but we all love giving advice to people who are. Here are some handy tips for you cheapskates in the dating scene.

Dine in

People don’t really like going into town, being seen in public or eating a meal prepared by “professional” chefs. You can have a fun meal at home — you pretty much do it every day, right?

Don’t worry about balancing the meal or making something unique. The best dinner is spaghetti. Everyone loves flavorless pasta covered in canned tomato mush. It also gives your date a chance to show off his or her fine motor skills, as you both twirl long whips of indelible-sauce-drenched noodles with a fork and try to keep your shirts clean.

Ramen is a big faux pas, because the flavor of the noodles may distract from your personality.

Play video games

Your date wants to see what you’re passionate about. Impress your partner by pwning some n00bs in the latest combat game or World of Minecraft. Don’t embarrass your date by offering a controller. Watching is better. If you do let your date play, don’t go easy. Players don’t improve if you coddle them.

Don’t go outside

People blabber nonstop about the scenery in northern Utah. Skiing, hiking, rock climbing, swimming and mountain biking are all out of the question if you want to have fun. Humans, both men and women, hate the outdoors. There’s no Wi-Fi. There are not entertaining banner ads in the woods. There aren’t even many other people. When you’re in the woods, you’re forced to pay exclusive attention to your date. People hate that. It makes them feel uncomfortable. Besides, Logan has two bowling alleys.

Take the bus

Society is sophisticated now. We don’t have to prove our financial fitness to potential mates by keeping and maintaining a vehicle. We’ve got a perfectly good bus system. Sure, it’s full of middle-schoolers airing their wildly questionable views on sex, but that might be a discreet way to find out your date’s views on sex. Yes, your date will most likely be extremely uncomfortable, but it won’t be your fault. You’ll be the very picture of maturity in contrast.

The bus also simplifies your schedule. You’ll know exactly when you have to leave the restaurant, regardless of when your waiter brings your food. And say goodbye to dates that drag on forever — if you live on the Cache Valley North or Cache Valley South bus routes, the last bus will bring you home at a comfy 7 p.m.

Danger is an aphrodisiac