COLUMN: Hearsay in Hub gives laughs
Overheard by Steve
Published: Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Updated: Tuesday, January 22, 2013 12:01
In the ever-bustling and scarf-wielding microcosm that is the creative world, people are always looking for a new project. Something to keep them fresh, to keep their legs stretched, to drizzle new shredded cheeses onto their figurative lasagna in hopes that keeping a creative mind on its toes will give stellar results.
For three years I have been privileged with the throne of the open forum humor column — a classification of all things given, given my sense of humor be fully understood by the masses.
Well my friends, that new project has come and has done so through a pastime many know all too well: people watching. I am here to give you an insider view into some of the more peculiar sights and discussions taking place around campus. Essentially, I am the living personification of the phrase, “I guess you had to be there.”
You may be very perplexed as to why such a subject is even worth your reading time. I mean, with Reddit and 4chan in full force, why read anything else at all? Before I painstakingly try to gain your respect as a well-trained and educated advocate for public literature — meaning I am furiously searching “Reddit” and “4chan” on Google in fear you may find me incredibly too old to be considered funny, cool or in several cases “dating material” — allow me to beg your simple indulgence with a few examples.
Let’s use the Hub as a central location of study. To the table at my left we have a trio of women all discussing what is generally considered the most vital and life-altering question during the first two weeks of every semester: “Will we need the book?” These three academia-infused females have surrounded themselves with plastic backs, textbooks — if not simply manhole covers shaped like books — and a class syllabus which they are examining more closely than they will even consider studying any literature pressed upon them for the next three and a half months. Two of them have decided it is worth their time to keep the book on the scholarly basis of “you never know.”
Girl number three, who we will call “red scarf” in lieu of her, well, red scarf, has an approach like I have never seen before. She begins flipping through the book and scanning furiously, stopping every twenty pages or so to type angrily into her laptop and hit save buttons with the confidence of a perched hawk. Her comrades inquire about her actions. Her response — nothing about this is false — is that she is trying to type every bolded word and definition from the textbook, stating that it’s all about vocabulary anyway and she can return the book to the store for a refund now that she has everything she needs to remain knowledgeable.
We now zip over across the room to the dynamic duo I call the “Bros of Thunder” who have decided the youthful adage of “hooking up” is a much more appropriate discussion of life than academia, careers, vegetables or anything that is a general reason one would even be housed on a college campus. They begin discussing a potential mate named Teresa. The conversation goes as follows:
Man 1: "No, no, I like her. She's fun and she's funny."
Man 2: “She seems like a nice girl.”
Man 1: “You still looking into Abby from Burley?”
Man 2: “I don’t know. I like her. She’s like the kind of girl who speaks their mind but is still fun to be around.”
Man 1: “What have you guys done?”
Man 2: “Not much. We went to Chick-fil-A and made cupcakes.”
Man 1: “Sick.”
Writer’s note: “Sick” was literally the response to cupcake-making. These guys are rugged.
At this point, the second man has briefly departed, hopefully not for good. He then returns and without so much as batting an eye says:
Man 2: “Do you think she’d like Thai food?”
A chunk of the interaction becomes inaudible from here, until the first man officially departs:
Man 1: “Alright, man. I’m gone.”
Man 2: “Where’re you going?”
Man 1: “I have class in a bit, but first I gotta get my taco on.”
Man 2: “Make me proud.”
They high five, then silence. Pure poetry.
And there we have it. If you like what you saw, get excited, for documentation of these goings on will be, well, going on, every two weeks. Stay tuned.
– Steve Schwartzman is a senior in communication studies and linguistics. When he isn’t trying too hard to make people laugh he is usually watching sports, watching 90’s cartoons or experiencing all things Aggie Life. Got a good idea for Steve to rant about? Hit him up at email@example.com or on Twitter @SchwartZteve