COLUMN: Mustache March needs guidelines for success
Published: Thursday, March 7, 2013
Updated: Thursday, March 7, 2013 12:03
What do an old Western movie, No-shave November, Brad Pitt and Mustache March all have in common?
They all involve facial hair.
Throw on a good western movie and chances are I’ll be asleep within ten minutes, but I generally have enough time to check out the gnarly facial hair. Clint Eastwood rocked an awesome beard during “A Man With No Name.”
Now, I’m a fan of the first two weeks in no-shave November. I like men with a little scruff, but as the month continues, I lose all sense of appreciation for facial hair and count the days until the beards come off.
The same goes for Mustache March, except I have no appreciation for mustaches.
However, no matter what I say, the men on USU campus will still grow out their facial hair. Whether it’s a show of manhood or for a good cause, let’s remember a few guidelines for growing out the hair above your upper lip.
Rule number one: Pick a style and stay with it. Please don’t jump from a handlebar mustache to a pencil ‘stache back to a handlebar. It’s confusing and it looks tacky. Please keep it the same all month long or shave it off after the first week of growing it out.
Rule number two: Keep it neat. Growing a beard has its perks: You don’t have to shave as often, just keep it trimmed. A mustache is different. Keep the rest of your face clean if you choose to grow something on your upper lip. It looks tacky when you have a super dark mustache and some stubble showing. Avoid this please.
Rule number three: Do not grow a mustache unless you can. I know all men think they can grow out fantastic facial hair, but it’s time to face the music. Some men can grow out facial hair a lot better than others. If it’s going to look like you smeared dirt across your face, I would opt out of growing a ‘stache. It’s going to look bad.
Please men, keep these rules and we can all have a happy March.
Now that we’ve gone through all the rules, let’s have a tribute to some really great celebrity facial hair.
As far as beards go, Ben Affleck pulls off the full face of hair ridiculously well. How does the director of “Argo” do it? For starters, he keeps it well trimmed: none of the Brad Pitt straggle going on. If you want to wear the full beard, take a page out of Affleck’s book.
When it comes to half a face of hair, my personal favorite is the gorgeous Zac Efron when he grew out his facial hair in 2012. He didn’t have a full face of hair, just a mustache and a little bit of a beard, but he had enough to increase his rugged manliness.
Now if you want a good example of a mustache, look at Nick Offerman, who you probably know as Ron Swanson. He rocks the best mustache I have ever seen. He followed all three mustache rules: He kept it one style with the rest of his face clean, and he can definitely grow a full ‘stache.
Gentlemen, if you want to grow a mustache, please keep my rules in mind. If you do, we can all have a happy Mustache March.