COLUMN: The top 5 signs the world will end — sports edition
Livin' the Dream
Published: Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Updated: Tuesday, January 29, 2013 15:01
We’ve all heard and read the alleged signs and endured countless predictions from numerous groups about when the world will end — many of which have come and gone without occurring.
I think it’s safe to say that no one knows for sure.
With that being said, I give you the Top 5 Signs the End of the World is Nigh: Sports Edition, with the disclaimer that each of them has been verified and vouched for by F.A.L.S.E. — Fictitious Accusations and Libelous Signs of the End — Incorporated.
5. Ed Hoculi pulls a Tim Donaghy
Hoculi is the Peyton Manning of NFL referees. He’s the poster boy for the NFLRA — National Football League Referee Association — and a great all-around guy that would never let power or greed get the better of him.
Donaghy was convicted for his role in a gambling scandal in 2007 in which he bet on games in which he was officiating. He was imprisoned for two 15 month sentences, served concurrently and fined $217,000 after resigning from his position.
So the day Hoculi is in the news for betting on the games he is officiating like Donaghy did, be weary. Because who believes the saying, “Everyone has a price they can be bought for?”
4. Manti Te’o gets a real girlfriend
Ironically, this isn’t that far-fetched. I mean, what girl wouldn’t want a studly football player who was runner-up for a national award?
Yet somehow, we spent how long listening to the national media rant about Teo.
3. Skip Bayless renounces his man crush on Tim Tebow
Seriously, was there broadcast of ESPN’s First Take in which we didn’t suffer through a rant from Skip about “The Holy One?” Talk about an extremely unhealthy, and honestly creepy, man-crush.
You know why he’s such a Tebow-fanatic? Because his precious Oklahoma Sooners got shredded and taunted by Tebow in the 2009 BCS title game. Yeah, Tebow had a solid college career, but he’s not an NFL quarterback. Let the past go Skip.
2. Chicago Cubs win World Series
It’s been 105 years. Not since 1908 have the Cubbies won it all. They haven’t been to the World Series since 1945, and have only reached the NLCS three times since then.
The most recent came 10 years ago when Steve Bartman interfered with Moises Alou on a foul ball. The city of Chicago demonized Bartman in the days following and still does today. Sorry guys, but you blew it yourselves.
Steve Bartman, The Curse of the Billy Goat, and bad management: three reasons the Cubs are the laughing stock of Major League Baseball.
And the No. 1 sign the world is coming to an end:
1. Abbott and Costello figure out who’s on first
Who? What? I don’t know. Why? Because, Today and Tomorrow, I don’t give a darn. Naturally.
When they figure it out, we’ll know.
– Curtis Lundstrom is a proud husband and father and aspiring sports journalist and referee. His life ambition is to bowl a perfect 300. Follow him on Twitter @CurtisLundstrom or send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.