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Warm-cision 2014: The debate heard 'round campus

By Steve Schwartzman
On March 19, 2014

I come to you this afternoon to settle what has very recently been a most heated debate in the Schwartzman household.

In short, after returning from spring break, the lot of card-carrying Logan residents have become increasingly confused as to the status of the weather. Reports have surfaced of the climate changes being referred to as “crisp and pleasant,” though claims still arise of the weather being “chilly,” “too frigid for March” or, in regard to untimely breezes — and this was an actual word a human said to me — “frizzeezing.”

While this current state of meteorology affairs raises several community-dividing questions, one particular inquiry stands firmly above the field and came into play vividly just this morning before leaving my apartment:

Jacket … or hoodie?

Innocent on first glance, but simple research shows that with the current weather, there is no clear answer. I first took the run-of-the-mill approach to this decision and did what most would do: stare at both items back and forth for several minutes while my Toaster Strudels were heating up. This very blatantly proved unfruitful — minus of course the Toaster Strudels, which were blackberry.

This is what brings us to now. I have invited our candidates, Hoodie and Jacket, to the stage today to discuss platforms, debate issues and finally settle what I am sure have all of you wrapped in various pandemonium. Welcome, all of you, to Warm-cision 2014.

Steve: Let’s welcome our candidates. Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Jacket: Good afternoon, Steve.

Hoodie: Pleasure to be here.

S: Now, let’s get right to the quick. The responsibility of keeping my deceptively impressive torso warm in a moderately cold climate is not to be take lightly. Where do you see yourself as the more qualified candidate to drape such smoldering shoulders?

J: I’ll start here. Steve, from my vantage point, it’s simple: You want to be warm. That’s what this all comes down to. Living uncovered in a chilly world is an open gate to more health risks than any of us want to talk about. Warmth is the answer, and if that’s the answer, why wouldn’t you choose an item of clothing that’s sole purpose is to keep one warm? I come from a long family tradition of jackets who have made warmth a priority — the very phrase is on our family crest — and through that credo we’ve calmed illnesses, we’ve saved lives, we’ve even equipped the likes of Shaun White and James Dean through thick and thin. The resume just speaks for itself.

S: Thank you for your response. Mr. Hoodie?

H: I understand such a point and acknowledge its validity. What my counterpart seems to be blatantly overlooking is a factor that means a lot more to all of us than we give credit: convenience. I see how something as well-equipped as a jacket can keep one warm, but aren’t we a little worried about overkill? We’re talking body heat inflation here. That means overused sweat glands, uncomfortable indoor bystanders, overwrinkling clothes, and the list goes on. Let’s face the truth here: At some point, before the end of the day, Steve is going to have no choice but to take his heat covering off, and does he really want to spend minutes — yes, minutes — trying to stow away a bulky heap of fleece and polyester? I say make it easy on yourself. Grab a hoodie and have no worries.

S: I appreciate your interest in my potential sweating in front of the public. Your rebuttal, Jacket.

J: I simply don’t think sweating is the real issue here. We’re focusing too much on a concern that may or may not come into play when we all know full well Steve will most definitely need to be warm at some point. Let’s stick to the basics.

H: So, you’re saying his physical appearance and aroma don’t matter? What if he runs into a potential employer?

J: That’s putting the cart well before the horse, don’t you think?

H: Is it? You seem to only be focused on the now. I’m concerned about Steve’s future.

J: And a bright, red-hooded Doritos sweatshirt he won in a drawing when touring the Frito Lay factory is going to swoon his employers?

H: A heck of a lot more than smelling like the inside of an aardvark.

S: Gentlemen, let’s keep things in order. Now, on the opposite side of the discussion, what is one thing you feel makes your opponent less qualified under certain conditions?

H: My opponent only reaches optimal performance under inclement weather. Have you seen any snow today? Rain? Hail? Volcano ash? His services clearly aren’t needed.

J: Not needed? You’re not even in full capacity. Some would even say damaged. There is a hole above his right wrist. You can check it.

H: That hole is a pin-sized tear at worst. Your smear campaign made that hole a much bigger problem than it is.

J: So you don’t deny it.

H: I admit nothing but your dirty games.

J: You have holes.

H: You have a crooked zipper.

J: (Gasps) You agreed we wouldn’t discuss that on record.

H: You pushed too far.

(Stares. Then silence.)

S: Umm … wow. I had no clue it would get this ... intense. What you two need is some time alone to resolve this, whatever this is, or we’re going to have a very contentious Easter weekend on our hands, and nobody wants that. I think I’m just going to wear a long-sleeved flannel shirt and take my chances out there for now. That’s all for Warm-cision 2014. Thanks for listening, everyone.

Steve Schwartzman is a senior finishing a degree in communication studies. With eight years of column writing and improvisational comedy under his belt, he lives to make you laugh. Send thoughts to or hit him up on Twitter @SESchwartzman.

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